The World Cup is finally here, and is – already – nine matches old. Matches that have showcased top quality batting (read: Sehwag), questionable catching (but of course, it’s England) and a demonstration by the Kenyans on how to bowl as inaccurately as possible. Amidst these eighteen innings of cricketing class and crass, there have been a few incidents off the pitch that the social media have dedicated ample webspace, including a television that was subjected to the wrath of a splice of cricketing equipment that stands in the way of fast bowling and Ricky Ponting’s manhood. A mansion of opinions that I can only intend to add to. So here are my textual highlights from the first week of the ICC Cricket World Cup 2011.
Kennabis
Kenya sent down thirty-seven wides against Pakistan in the 6th match of the ICC Cricket World Cup 2011. Bizarre. Almost a performance you can’t repeat. Certain wides, I’m told, required two umpires to signal them. Someone please test the Kenyan bowlers for substances. Like cannabis.
The demolition man
He came, he saw, and he batted in a fashion that left several Bangladeshi bowlers seeking contraceptives. The ones that prevent pregnancy if consumed within 48 overs. Fourteen fours, five sixers and demolition that cannot be otherwise computed. All this, while a young Virat Kohli blasted his way to an unbeaten hundred off just eighty-three deliveries. Prior to which India lost two wickets in entirely regular fashion. The first was a run-out orchestrated by Sehwag, leaving Tendulkar short of the crease, which somewhat reminded you of accidentally hitting the cursor keys while playing Cricket ’97. And getting God Almighty run out is like walking into church and asking Him to vacate his omnipresent accommodation. The second was simply poor shot selection on the part of Gautam Gambhir, who looked in the exact opposite direction as he intended to play. Bangladesh replied well, and although Sreesanth (who must have been offered asylum in Dhaka with a nine-figure salary and a voodoo doll of Harbhajan Singh) tried his best to lose the game for India with a ridiculous over, even he couldn’t threaten the runs his batsmen had put up.
Hup, Holland, Hup!
There were two reasons I was backing the Oranje against England. First, nothing pleases this blogger more than to witness England losing, unless the opposition is Australia. Second, I pay fifty-two percent tax in the Netherlands, and even a month’s tax from my humble salary easily pays for a generation of Dutch cricketing facilities. And Ryan ten Doeshchate very nearly inflicted what would have been an embarrassing defeat for England. Goes to show what you can do just by having just thirty-percent of God’s name as your middle name. Not that England were very impressed with his smart hitting and nagging bowling. Many Englishmen I know promptly looked up his place of birth (which reads Port Elizabeth, South Africa) and shrugged with an expression on their face that simply read “immigrant”. Which is when I pointed out to them that both their openers were South African. And their ODI specialist, Irish. And the guy who bailed them out of embarrassment, born to Indian immigrants. After which my previous manager, a proud Englishman who swells up in pride when he speaks about cricket, explained how the English do not approve of such discussions being clouded by facts.
Speaking of the Netherlands, for a small nation it packs a rather large social media punch. Holland was almost always the trending topic in every game of theirs during the FIFA World Cup last year – even against more populous internet-savvy nations. And then, the inexplicable: Ryan ten Doeshchate, the top trending topic on twitter. Yes, higher up than Justin Bieber. Still, it’s not much of an achievement in comparison to us Indians. When Tendulkar scored 200, we crashed twitter, CricInfo and half of BSNL’s network.
But we digress. In the end, England took down the Dutch by six wickets with thirty balls remaining. Officially, the score reads England won with eight balls remaining, but I take the liberty of adding, to those eight balls, eleven pairs that belonged to Strauss and co. which would have been chopped in a dark alley in Hackney had they lost.
The crotch guard, and the other demolition man
Speaking of the groin zone, Virat Kohli, we hear, has relationship issues. This, of course, is quite expected when you inside-edge a quick Rubel Hossain delivery onto your gentleman parts and forget to wear your crotch guard. Which, by the way, Ricky Ponting used to break an LCD TV in Gujarat. And here’s this little gem from Ravi Shastri on the Ricky Ponting TV incident, which provokes even the laziest of bloggers to author an opinion.
“The dressing room is like a temple, a church, a mosque or a gurdwara. What happens in a dressing room stays in a dressing room.”
Last I checked, no one broke a television set in a temple, church, mosque or gurdwara with, I daresay, a little piece of plastic moulded on Ricky Ponting’s genitals.
Ya well keep it up…