Scripting a new Hollywood movie is quite simple, actually. First, you got the write the words “the world will come to an end, unless …”, and fill it in with what you think should be there. It could be as random and ridiculous as it gets.
Like a man blowing up the Kremlin and then launching Russian nuclear missiles from Mumbai Bombay.
There are reasons I wanted to like Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol. Tom Cruise, to begin with. I’ve grown up watching him fly jets, spruce up cocktails, fuck with Jack Nicholson in a trial, hang from ceilings and catch sweat on his palm, mess with aliens, make love to Cameron Diaz and Penelope Cruz in the same movie, and even attempt to bomb Hitler. MI4 also has Anil Kapoor, an actor I enjoy watching especially in roles that exhibit his utter disregard for humility. What’s more: he has a role that’s tiny in screen time but substantial with hypersexuality. It has the stunning Léa Seydoux in the role of an assassin that accepts payment only in diamonds. It has Simon Pegg as the techie on board. The film moves from Budapest to Moscow – two cities on my bucket list – and then to two cities I am much more familiar with: Dubai and Bombay. So, you see, I really wanted to like this.
And while it is indeed an enjoyable ride, it is the kind of movie that makes you go “wait a moment. Did it just down my intelligence a tad?” a few hours after watching it. I mean, in hindsight, it’s impossible not to overlook the flaws. The factual errors if I may.
First off, a few minutes into the movie, we’re told that the bad guys use the same transmission frequency as the IMF ones. Must’ve been default, which is ridiculous – it’s like saying that Goldman Sachs uses default ports for its high-security server listen ports. So, Factual Error One: No secret agency in this world uses default radio frequencies. Certainly not an American one operating in Russia.
Factual Error Two: Russian nurses aren’t that hot. Update: They’re hotter.
Next, Léa Seydoux – the hired assassin who steals the codes for a stolen Russian nuclear launch-control device – is set to make the exchange in Dubai. The codes for the diamonds. Which brings us simply to Factual Error Three: The last place you want to sell Russian nuclear codes is a city where Mossad have had a track record.
Factual Error Four: No part of Dubai has sandstorms of the magnitude shown in the movie. Not unless a camel consumes a nuke and farts hard from Abu Dhabi.
Factual Error Five: No straight woman would leave Tom Cruise and instead attempt to seduce Anil Kapoor. Paula Patton’s Jane Carter would rather have been Ethan’s Cunt than Brij Nath’s.
Factual Error Six: There are no active Russian arms dealers in Dubai anymore. They’ve all become pimps and-slash-or made their wives whores. If any current arms-dealer thinks otherwise, please drop a comment. And run hard – because Arab cops do both: monitor my blog and drive only supercars.
Factual Error Seven: What kind of a jackass constructs a nuclear missile that can be aborted after launch, but builds a launch control device that – pray explain to me – cannot be deactivated when it is stolen? Or the codes of which cannot be changed? I mean, did this shit go through a design review? An architectural board? You know those #InSovietRussia jokes we crack all the time? Stop proving us right. I’ve see Active Directory implementations less prone to fuckups like this.
Yet, being Indian, there’s one thing about this movie that I really liked. No, it’s not Brij Nath’s role, but it’s the fact that offshore teams are conclusively becoming more important and strategic. Nothing pleases me more than to note that, finally, we are getting quality work offshored. Like testing a Russian Nuclear warhead in production.
There still is hope for the right-shoring model.
